orgami's Diaryland Diary

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yellow winter moon

just flipped through my writings
and found them absent of feelings
or descriptions of what I feel
just words
set upon a glowing realm

her name tatooed on my hand
in large script she chose
we are to marry

i feel so intimidated to express how i feel so naked and exposed
tremulous and anxious
my mind racing to find all the corners
to snipe words from
escape hatchs to bolt out of
shadows to flow from

i listen to Metric and feel sad
like a whole large part of my life
slipped away and I am left
with a bad feeling
like I woke up from my own nightmare
created by myself
my own mess I've slept in

shame I feel shame
my alcholism
rampant again
spent a lot of money

Betrayed Lori by talking to another
woman who is nice
just talked to her about Lori
so she got to like me
but she was looking for someone
to spend time with
so I messed with her life
but I have so little self esteem
and this great raging ego

so vain

I am not handsome
and find humilty hard to master
to meditate

i feel haunted or cursed most days
sad a lot of times
that I keep messing up
and mostly afraid to take risks or
be serious about anything
just sort of toy with things
become good at something to prove
to people that I am actually
capable and then run away
hit and run

but i am forty now
at twenty or in my teens it was easy
i never thought i would live this long
death idealizations for so long
stuck for so long
afraid to move and when i did
it was deceptive
now I am being asked to be real
and to try and to be there

abandoned a couple of times
birth mother and then my mother
dying of cancer and I take it all
and hold it forever mad like a
child against all women
getting into relationships
and then feeling the fear
feeling them see through me
my immaturity

the wall that i built then in my
early years is now my cave
with only me in here at times
i feel so lonely
at times

many of you speak through this medium
that you find me hard to read
or understand and this i have
encountered all my days
and i thought i was all you who
were not quick enough to keep up
with me so i judged before anyone
had a chance to befreind me

but i am not a bad person
i have a good heart
bitter in the centre undoubtedly

i want to cry right now
its so hard to try to express myself
to not believe that i will be belittled
and laughed at
that anyone can ever understand me
that this shelter is a tomb instead

i listen to metric on my broken down
cd its not working properly anymore
worn out like me at times
self pity is a trap for me
sometimes i am unsure if it is a real
feeling or just a cry for attention

i wont quit
i have stopped overdosing
and have not been in the hospital
or O.H for awhile now

I have a daughter who is smart
pretty that I only e-mail
she is fourteen
that is why i am on Diaryland to
see what young people are thinking
about

I write her and tell her i love her
that she is beautiful and smart
and try to tell her some of my life
up here i have not seen her since
she was eleven

i feel like i failed her
that i abandoned her
but her mother and I fight
horribly
so i dont want her stuck in the
middle like i was when i was only
twelve

alone with not many freinds
a father who threatened to shoot
himself and my mother up and left
to make a better life of travel
for herself

i was thirteen that summer
all i did was drink
and read Canadian Authors
sit up on the roof and watch
the moon through the poplars
thinking i will never be
happy at all
full of fear and anger
regret shame
afraid of life

i cant believe i just wrote all of that
i am going to listen to Metric over
again and write my freinds on yahoo
i still have thirty minutes here

i cleaned the apartment with my Lori
and that past two nights we have slept
in each others arms
it is like heaven
and I feel so afraid that something
will come along to take this away

my heart is falling
through heaven
forever

cold emptiness
distance
tumbling memories
like dice in a game

i want to get Page of Swords
tatooed on my right forearm
Chloe on my right hand

I am so sad now
tallking about this
so tired
all my combative hurtful days

i am just an old wolf now
but i am still alive
still trying

I love my Lori
I love her so much.......

3:52 p.m. - 2005-01-31

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