orgami's Diaryland Diary

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sadness in the fall

burned out lately
even though the apartment is in order
and I am going to meetings and walking
lots Perhaps its the seasons end
or the summer lost in moving and worrying Those hot savage days
of heat

and now the cold coming in
was watching the geese fly south not
that long ago a V formation about
eight hundred feet up honking along
as they flapped in unison heading
for warmer climes

maybe a good cry would do me some
good feel like something coming down
or about to happen
no graves to visit although according
to my brother they still have my
fathers ashes to scatter at various
of his favourite spots
I dont feel like I have a cold or
have gotten that flu that is wiping
people out for a week or two
not even a runny nose or cough

Listening to HAPPY HOUSE full bore
and I am just mildly amused by this

I just feel deflated for some reason
I have this nice burn mark on my arm
where I touched it to the hot pan
when I was making fries and its red
and the blister broke and I am savouring
the pain of this strange to feel
this and nothing much more
like an emotional flat spot at the
moment a time to coast and drift
the sails slack the ship rocking
in the lull

cleaned the floor today and swept up
tidied up with Lori's help it smells
and looks very clean and the living
room even has a new coffee table
that's good

Oh I know what it is I bought some
coffee today and drank quite a bit
of it and I am not used to it like
I was without it for awhile

feel bored or waiting for the snow
to fall or something its not a
resltess feeling just a something
of odds feeling

Okay here is Arabian Knights at full
volume and I am leaning back in these
chairs here and enjoying it pounding
throught the little earphones
I like the piano and the drums
vocals are nice too
bass line
here goes the shift
echo to the shout
repeated riff after riff

I'm going to play this again because
I can

Kitten kept me up
she sleeps on my neck of back of
my head and when whe wakes up she
likes to claw and swat me with her
claws this wakes me up and I
play with her for a bit and then
fall back to sleep But at least
four times last night it was up
for a few minutes play with the
kitten and then fall back to sleep
I am really getting attatched to
this little cat with her black
nose and whiskers and black lips
cute little face
so mischevious at this age
running around getting into everything
and she is clean where Max couldnt help
himself but he was not able to keep
himself clean
maybe I feel sad I couldnt do more for
max or my daughter by being away up
here and cannot walk with CHloe and
talk to her or see her eyes when she
smiles I am feeling sad I guess
end of season My mother died this
time of year a few years ago all alone
at her home in Huntsville they could
do all they could with Morphine directly
shunted into her No one was with
her when she went we all stayed away
she was that independent and wanted it
that way No ashes for her from
what I am told by my brother
No its not her I am sad for I am glad
she is out of pain I cannot fathom the pain or ache of cancer the fear of knowing that I would die before my time
maybe I should take a long hot shower
and cry thats usually where I do my crying I don't even know what it is
I am sad about really
maybe I just expect more of myself
not doing well enough better enough
slacking off too much this year

hit replay again
ARABIAN KNIGHTS plays again
third time
seventeen minutes to go before I head
home or go to the meeting over
at ST BRICE's church thats where I
will go to St Brices church AA meeting
where I will be among freinds
etc

just feel a heaviness in my heart
just that time of year i guess.........

6:41 p.m. - 2005-10-20

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