orgami's Diaryland Diary

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tabloid fever

i feel like fucking shit
i feel like im not doing enough
that im fucking up

i want to really hurt someone
who hurt my Lori
but i myself am an idiot man
at times

and i have my addictions
that i cant stay away from

crap eh

and sometimes my mental idiotness
keeps me from working and i just
sleep because im so fucking depressed

there is so much work i have to do
artistically it just cuts me up
when people praise me
all i hear is my dead mothers voice
telling me what a failure i am
how in the end it was me who
was supposed to look after her in
her old age and when she got cancer

i just ran away in her last whole
long dying year
Goodbye I dont need to see the once
mighty torturer emotional escapist
diluted to nothing

her and her seven huge presents
for me under the Christmas tree

even that wasnt evenough to get
me to come by and see

was afraid to see her dying
someone who was so mighty
so against the family
so off the wall

writing letters to us kids
laughing at us and our dilmenas
mocking us making us hate one
another like she used to run
my father down calling him
spinless worthless at night
screaming at him

she did a lot of good for us
too though she tried really
hard her father was a drunk
who was never there for them
seven sisters raised themselves
with the mother

she married a good man who
took her travelling and they
worked hard and bought a fine
house but i just burned out
and couldnt go to her

i was so full of fear
still in me today

just ripped a huge hole in me
still

and my biological mother i have
nothing to do with even though
she is nice and would want more
to do with me

she abandoned me and gave me up
for adoption so I just say
Suffer like i did for years

you can have your two other sons
you kept Im away and free

bitterness inside me still

crazy

i dont understand human
nature
i dont understand myself

sometimes it gets just so
weary

but i keep going

im the most stablest in
years and yet for some
reaons im burning out
inside

surreal moments

gotta go
dont believe any of this
horseshit im writing

12:20 a.m. - 2008-03-21

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