orgami's Diaryland
Diary
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i dont know who i am either...
they tire and tell me no whinning..quit the bitching and i see why....i can hear when i sit quiet...makes them think im up to something..and in the peace i am..im hearing the wind..the jets..the birds..the peace away from my inner clatter....my thought chatter...which isnt bad...just nice to take a break from it.......i moaned about my great love i never was brave enough to accept because i had offers...yes even ugly old homely mad crazy me.....like the song creed ugly on the inside...im actually not that bad looking and lately the acceptance of everyone good bad etc frees me up space to put back inside the goodness that i always craved...and the angels are coming forward ..breadcrumbs filling up my plate to ponder..consider the beautys....even i am beautiful in a ruin state....but im moving....slowly drifting about soaking up the hot sunshine of spring..finding my way...what i think i am and what i am are two different things...but thats okay...im not poisoning myself with the shit that got me into shit and got it steady now....plants come back from the near edge...animals with love come back...people too..not whole but what was given is given...life is precious and hard but it is worth all the days i wasted to have these ordinary solid days//// freedom...yes freedom...scary place out here....im jittery and wound up and then calm....humble...i spin my moods like a wheel....i got my moms temperament and the males side of madness....but i have empathy..for myself and others...and the rest is just biz...nothing personal and all...but its always the good plan to be vigilant..i carry my compass my fire my tools...i try to be a good man because there is alwaYS THE DARkness ....god is my truth though i gotta admit....and lately im working on being a better writer...i know i havent been writing poetry for awhile..been really working hard with the fam.....and out there....spent my whole youth in the wonder of it..heavy thinking and so hard looking for that love business.....im glad i didnt get it..glad it was away from me..it was like a wander in the desert..now i wont squander it...i give it to my dog my kids my present woman whom we dont relate at all to each other but we just were there all these years on and off...and that makes it kind of cool..a road buddy...like a partner...in a true sense...and its good to not be alone...but im glad i had my alone years too......met a very attractive woman who called me a good sport...signed up for points card..she was in comp wth other female employee..of course me being me she was the cosmetics woman..creative bright and fun,,,maybe she goes home and crys though...some people do...take off the persona at the end of the day and just let it out...but i like the pro happiness...im smiling more and laughing or trying too....and i notice im getting smile lines again.....kids making fun with me about getting the botox...i am old..i do look grim...but they made me laugh...her comp...the lady she was competing with..didnt even try hard and looked kind of sad and unhappy and crushed....i want to be a good sport...i dont want to be a withered cactus..i like ballons and soft things....finesse and class and all that....wow..freedom is small sometime but its great....i can walk up to the mirages....i can stand in the rain and sing aloud....
my manic days which c ome and go made me have many jobs and women and friends...that gave me dynamics and experience...vast facets of memories...gains and loss and time for reading when i was fired or quit or layed off....time for wealth with fat cheques....romance come and gone... i thought i knew it all..wow..i wa so locked in a prison then..the ego castle...drawbridge down..drawbridge up...mount up and ride out..ride back..sulk..pout scream from the parapets or whatever the lonely old view is from u0p there....... everyone has my drawings and writings and poems though and i did and do work hard...im lazy and sloppy but im meticulous in some things....i do like rules and order....and i love being fifty this year.....so what i dont have a car..i can envy people for a bit..but i helped a lot of people and got help..karma......i do have a lot..i got me...and for a long long time i didnt...and now i got others coming up slow that im quieter...smiling..a good sport....some people would get offended by that...its just life....i got my bloodwork done..my xray..stood with my old lady because thats what men are supposed to do....she and her kid had a hard life and the new young man in the kids life too.....but they are good kids...i was out there and wild and i remember the people who were decent and braced me and said decent things in a calm way that soaked in past the thick headed stubgbornes and denial i had...when i was young too...hell even up to last year....that judge was awesome...people are afraid of him ..call him mean...but shit..the world is mean...protect and care..thats what wolves do....sure they snarl and put each other in their place...savage love..but reason and vision...thinking not just of myself...but of the future ..and how can i be of assistance and lok after myself....i even got a typewriter and set up my paint table..sketch table...bought some paperbacks...i plan on making it today...but i know..that i can be gone like that too....i like the poets writers hre that i write too and read.....ive been around you are smart...witty and creative....some days thats what grounds me...we all need each other.....freedom is good....
9:12 p.m. - 2014-03-06
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