orgami's Diaryland Diary

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me myself and thine

Oh this is working now

man what was I not on when I wrote
all the previous diaries

I am so much better today
rested or maybe just did a bit more
work on the table outside
sawing things drilling things
sanding things
walked to the lake
had my coffees
wrote on the old typewriters here
at the house and at the lake

missing Lori but knowing that she is
there in the Bay and we will connect again in time I think I am staying
here till Saturday maybe longer
there is so much to do here yet

clean out the garage still and the downstairs closet give lots to the salvation army old collected coats
from people great for plays all the costumes and all but its clutter here
for the mice to get into in quieter times

I want to have a fire outside to sit by nothing more comforting then a fire
and a tea pot on it made from a coffee can I used to do this as a kid
I drank coffee from the time I was
thirteen and I still drink it now

I feel so much better today
I was so down yesterday though
and was letting more out about myself

I drive past my fathers house where his wife still lives and I think I should have stopped in and seen him last christmas or this christmas
yah this christmas
but I didnt because Lori and I were
broken up then and I didnt want to bother him with another sob story
so I didnt go I was going to visit him this spring or summer but he died
had a stroke never regained consciousness He was a good father
and a good provider and both he and my mother were hard workers and did what they could i am not blaming them anymore that was just my block and I am trying to remove them so I can live
and enjoy life and my time with Lori
and myself

holy shit am I just writing and writing and writing should stop this
I feel ashamed in front of strangers
this e-mail thing is sometimes like a mirror its two way Its words and all
but I like people I am socail raised social that is my parents knew a lot of people and were from big families
went to church had parties etc...

anyway what Its only me right???
I know I should write some poems
but I wanted to write this instead
I am feeling better but I get down
so fast over time weather stress
depression mood swings all of that
effects me lately I have been
sleeping because I am not working
and I feel bad about it not bringing
in money and living on ODSP instead of
working like a lot of people or what I used to be But then I would incur lots of other costs and god knows what kind
of mental space I would be in
probably just crash and bottom out like
i did before hit the streets for awhile cruise the strange sunsets and morning rises of where ever and ever

had to be there is all I can say about that time had to be there

and now?? well i am drawing more these days thanks to Lori she is really helpful I really like her for that and she never bitches at me like I was so used to in the previous relationship
I feel appreciated by this little woman instead of just taken for granted I thought in the last one But now I realize its just peoples mental spaces and perceptions

lately i am being exposed to Neitche
and am blown away by his works
great thinkers

anyway and I am not going to meetings
down here either No AA or NA like up there people shaking my hand saying hi talking about stuff drinking the coffee there and sometimes sandwichs too
fellowship the higher power and all
spritituality that is not hard to fathom
I like it it works for me and that is all that matters because I would have
been dead by now had not Lori and I crossed paths she really has effected my life more then I can even think
about yet It is just hitting me now
being away and having that time to think
there is a lot done in that short year
we have had a lot Holy shit its just
overwhelming the good from my perspective I lived like a pig
before ragged shirts and pants
no washing no eating crap food beer booze drugs and television twenty four hours a day on the second floor
no writing per say
just reading my old YOU ARE A FAILURE
letters to myself and old photgraphs
of all the failed relationshiops I let die chosing to drink rather then to
conform and be human and warm

naw I was warm too just not enough and not enough to myself to get to know
me lately I feel Like I am getting
to Know me and I am not that bad
I am suprised I am okay
and I will leave you at that point
with my self liking my self and you
dear beloved readers

For now
Your writing dude Orgami..

11:35 p.m. - 2005-05-02

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