orgami's Diaryland
Diary
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me myself and thine
Oh this is working now
man what was I not on when I wrote all the previous diaries I am so much better today rested or maybe just did a bit more work on the table outside sawing things drilling things sanding things walked to the lake had my coffees wrote on the old typewriters here at the house and at the lake missing Lori but knowing that she is there in the Bay and we will connect again in time I think I am staying here till Saturday maybe longer there is so much to do here yet clean out the garage still and the downstairs closet give lots to the salvation army old collected coats from people great for plays all the costumes and all but its clutter here for the mice to get into in quieter times I want to have a fire outside to sit by nothing more comforting then a fire and a tea pot on it made from a coffee can I used to do this as a kid I drank coffee from the time I was thirteen and I still drink it now I feel so much better today I was so down yesterday though and was letting more out about myself I drive past my fathers house where his wife still lives and I think I should have stopped in and seen him last christmas or this christmas yah this christmas but I didnt because Lori and I were broken up then and I didnt want to bother him with another sob story so I didnt go I was going to visit him this spring or summer but he died had a stroke never regained consciousness He was a good father and a good provider and both he and my mother were hard workers and did what they could i am not blaming them anymore that was just my block and I am trying to remove them so I can live and enjoy life and my time with Lori and myself holy shit am I just writing and writing and writing should stop this I feel ashamed in front of strangers this e-mail thing is sometimes like a mirror its two way Its words and all but I like people I am socail raised social that is my parents knew a lot of people and were from big families went to church had parties etc... anyway what Its only me right??? I know I should write some poems but I wanted to write this instead I am feeling better but I get down so fast over time weather stress depression mood swings all of that effects me lately I have been sleeping because I am not working and I feel bad about it not bringing in money and living on ODSP instead of working like a lot of people or what I used to be But then I would incur lots of other costs and god knows what kind of mental space I would be in probably just crash and bottom out like i did before hit the streets for awhile cruise the strange sunsets and morning rises of where ever and ever had to be there is all I can say about that time had to be there and now?? well i am drawing more these days thanks to Lori she is really helpful I really like her for that and she never bitches at me like I was so used to in the previous relationship I feel appreciated by this little woman instead of just taken for granted I thought in the last one But now I realize its just peoples mental spaces and perceptions lately i am being exposed to Neitche and am blown away by his works great thinkers anyway and I am not going to meetings down here either No AA or NA like up there people shaking my hand saying hi talking about stuff drinking the coffee there and sometimes sandwichs too fellowship the higher power and all spritituality that is not hard to fathom I like it it works for me and that is all that matters because I would have been dead by now had not Lori and I crossed paths she really has effected my life more then I can even think about yet It is just hitting me now being away and having that time to think there is a lot done in that short year we have had a lot Holy shit its just overwhelming the good from my perspective I lived like a pig before ragged shirts and pants no washing no eating crap food beer booze drugs and television twenty four hours a day on the second floor no writing per say just reading my old YOU ARE A FAILURE letters to myself and old photgraphs of all the failed relationshiops I let die chosing to drink rather then to conform and be human and warm naw I was warm too just not enough and not enough to myself to get to know me lately I feel Like I am getting to Know me and I am not that bad I am suprised I am okay and I will leave you at that point with my self liking my self and you dear beloved readers For now Your writing dude Orgami..
11:35 p.m. - 2005-05-02
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