orgami's Diaryland Diary

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ego

Lori told me I could probably find a woman to sleep with but not many would live with me

I laughed at first then got all hurt by that comment until I realized that I am too much to handle Its not what I do I realize and know but how I go about it
My attitude sucks big time sometimes if not most of the time and its like pulling teeth to get anything really all that honest and open from me
It just wasnt natural do do this from
where I come from and yet I know its all over that war is over everyone is dead now Its safe to come out and continue to live as living should be
and there is that ego inside of me
that god knows what it will do next
I used the ego to survive through all of that and wearing it is so simple
like a well worn pair of favourite shoes I can slip into him and live through him But its not being alive
its hollow in there and empty
no empathy and empathy is what makes
us human
I think I am getting empathy these days
I really hope so I try not to judge people and I am trying to mingle and sit amongst people at the AA meetings
these days and also to keep my mouth
shut before I say things because sometimes I say some very hurtful things
just to drive people away when they are
close and that person is Lori
She doesnt need that
and I need to be a better person
well I am trying to get this
I really am
I pray a lot too these days
and that for me seems to work
takes some responsibility away from
me frees me up to do other things
anyway this is a lot out of me
today
............

3:20 p.m. - 2005-08-08

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