orgami's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

riptide

i want to say I am more comfortable
in my own skin even though
all this moving and phoning is stressing
me out so I sleep lots
i find it so hard to focus on people
and listen to them
probably because I shut down when i was
twelve decided that it was okay to do
this then and Later discovering that
it worked when I didn't like the way
my life was going
You know like Having to phone people
Making decisions Changing somewhat
etc You get the idea

why do I not want change?????
and why do I get restless when things
are not changing
answer because I am human
because I want to control everything
and cannot
that is the higher power God Jehovah
great spirit etc Its their job
not mine
anyway when I get total reign I fuck
it up anyway

blew a tire on the bike and dont
have enough money for the tire and tube
and probably wont for awhile
so I am walking and I am like power
walking everywhere unless Lori is with
me burning off that frantic feeling

would really like to use to escape
drinking or smoking some grass
popping some pills but I know
that is not a throughway only a dead
end a radial place of bad endings
I can remember coming down from all
of that shit my mind crawling
just walking around downtown
my body shuddering trying to throw
off the effects of all that misery
grateful that I was still alive
and not being normal for days
and days

I go to my meetings regularly
and actually try to listen to others
join in with the human race again

...........

11:36 a.m. - 2005-08-09

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next