orgami's Diaryland Diary

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chloe

Chloe
you know I loved my kid then
and now
took her everywhere
tried to show her as much of
the world
read books to her
went on travelling adventures
so she wouldn't be scared to
see new things when she
got older

but I walked away from her
around her age eleven
too much friction between
the ex and I
and I still feel like a bastard
all these years later
but I had no support then
and was in the middle of
some elses life and crap
I dont mean to say this is
an excuse for what I did
I just thought it better
that there was no fighting
whatsoever between the ex
or Carolee and i

I am going to watch the Crow
and that movie came out when
all the shit was going on
so I will be somewhat remembering
what it was like eleven long
years ago
Chloe always loved me and she
never wanted me to go away
and thank god that Chloe
and I and Carolee can get together
now

anyway truth is now I have Chloe
back in my life and I phone her
more then ever now
and she came up here for a visit
overnight and it went well
and all the missing years were
still there as missing but it
didnt seem to matter that much
its more that we are now
reunited as father and daughter

and we had that big talk around
the campfire awhile ago down
at Clear Lake
I explained to her why I went
away god I still feel
guilty but I did it I mean
i felt justified in dropping out
of her life
was it that bad between Carolee
and I then??
I thought it was
anyway if I made an error I made
an error what is wrong with that
I was wrong
I can admit this now
retreating was not the man thing
to do
but I was running standing still
then
and then all that relapsing
in the nuthouse over and over
in the hospital using up all
their time
I dont know
really yet
but I know more today then I
did yesterday
and thats a great start
and I feel good today
even if I am anxious as hell
............

11:46 a.m. - 2005-08-09

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