orgami's Diaryland Diary

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here I am

sunshine hot and warm
ducks in small ponds
and people walking in rubber
boots hiking shoes
flip flops and sunglasses
clutching a carton of smokes
a small black dog
groceries from the store
and beer in an LCBO bag

a hairstylist lingers
under a shop sign smoking her
short cigarette pulling it up
to her pouted lips and inhaling
squinting into the sun
a customer arrives and they both
walk through the open doorway
she crushs the butt under her
heel before this and I know if
I investigate there will be
the faint mystery of her lip
gloss there

Sat in the Ranger Mental Health
clinics waiting room with other
people waiting for their hour
or half to talk to their counsellors
their psychiatrists

Myself? I taked to Mike about
why the past keeps dragging me down
how memories and feelings from
twenty years ago still haunt my
every day today Why there is so
much conflict and my aversion to
people saying I am worthy I am
a good human a good freind
etc

Here I am at the library
it is busy with lots of people
mostly kids from school

I put on the headphones and click
around to find Siouxsie and the Banshees
and let Arabian Knights play for old
times sake

the place buzzes with conversations in
mexican from the Mexican students in
their red exchange student shirts

Lori is at home watching television
or napping
the cats are probably sleeping now
or playing with the mouse with wheels

I feel scared of all the goodness
the people who look up to me and say
hello on the street
I cannot beleive it is real
that I am a worthy person still
all the hauntedness and ruins I stay
in are getting smaller and smaller
and running out of fresh air

I shall stay in North Bay
we have cats and nice furniture
and stereo
we have internet at home
and cable to watch television

but a part of me wants to jump
a train with my bag of stuff
and head out to somewhere like
Sudbury or Winnipeg
but its just a fantasy
I Love Lori and I like my new
freinds who say Hi to me and like
me and I like school and the
shop where I work painting
crafts

just wobbly today
must be the sun and the spring air
maybe I will go bus riding for a
bit after this see more of this
city and the people who live here
with me in it
I am part of it now not just an
observer I feel I am

...O...

5:00 p.m. - 2006-04-06

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