orgami's Diaryland Diary

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fraidey cat

hardly slept last night
too many dreams
keep getting caught up in
them like a fishermans nets
on the wrecks of the seas

I was supposed to go in and
be in school today but instead
I am here in the apartment
where I feel safe and have
some time alone with just
myself and the cats

not sure where the fears come
from Why I cannot even get
out of bed some days When
that feeling in the pit of my
stomach gives the inevitable
doomsday may happen
It never does but something
to do with the dreams

anyway I couldnt go in today
so I took the day off
It was raining earlier
Now the sun is out

maybe it was yesterday meeting
Richard and his woman on the
street and he gave me some
money for coffee because I told
them I was just going to buy
a donut And maybe today had I
gone in Barb the woman teacher
would have brought in some
books for me to read after I
told her I wasnt sure I could
still take out books because
of those books I lost a year
ago I paid some of the fine
but maybe if I was to go and
try to take a book out they
would say "Oh you owe us money
your privilidges here are over
until we get our fines paid
off on your account" thats a
fear No more library internet
and I like going there and
writing from there the odd
time

Barb is the teacher that teachs
Thursdays she is very nice
It just makes my skin crawl
when people are nice to me
I am so used to being told I
am shit used to being treated
good then treated like crap
positive and then a good shot
of double negative
and a kick for good measure

so Maybe thats why I am inside
on a beautiful spring day
I will miss the walk we have
during the ten to ten thirty
break there We go in this
trail beside a little creek
Its very lovely and peaceful
maybe being a part of that
throws me for a loop too
Too much support and goodness
I keep thinking where are they
and when are they going to turn
on me So then I get days like
this when I am just comfortable
hiding inside

dreams yah I can't even remember
what they were about but I woke
up feeling awful It used to happen
to me in grade nine and ten in
school and I would miss days of
school just hiding out or walking
in the woods and forests behind
our childhood home away from people
for some time

My one counsellor says to take some
good stuff and put it in this area
inside myself somewhere
brain heart whatever but build a
place of goodness
So I have to put all this goodness
and put it inside of me in an area
trusting that no is going to steal
it or rip it from me or take it back

for me this is damned hard to do

I did though go to an AA meeting last
night and almost stayed for the whole
hour It was a good meeting
and I walked from the terminal all
the way home

thank god for Diaryland where I can
write this out
I want to write in the night but Lori
sleeps right over there on the couch
in this not to bad sized living room
in this apartment

i write in the day instead

sorry there is no poems lately
i just feel anxious

this computer messed up again with
the update for the anti virus program
and the screen came out looking
psycedelic but I fixed that from
watching my freind repair it the
last time he was here with his
wife in the late winter
I was so happy that I fixed it on
my own

i have to get my bloodwork done
someday too My new Psychiatrist
wants to see if my meds are inside
of me because sometimes I dont take
them enough or often to be benificial
for me and my mental disability

its been ten years since I worked
at a regular job with deductions
for taxes and child support and
union dues

its been eleven years since I owned
my own vehicle
my epilepsy which I take medication
for ruled out me ever driving again
Temporal lobe in my sleep eplipsy
driving is not wise and besides who
would insure me??

anyway is this enough to read through
already??
the sun is shinning through the closed
blinds the living room is bright
the television burbles away in the
corner the cats are off sleeping
after they were playing here for
the morning I will go into work
tommorrow for sure
and I will go walking with the walking
club we have

maybe I'm just drinking too much
coffee lately I have a severe
addiction to coffee I know that
would not help someone who is
restless paranoid and has trouble
sleeping already I know I know
but I still cant help myself
I am going to make another pot of
coffee See how that is insane

ha ha ha

okay I feel a bit better now writing
this out here

yesterday I cleaned the apartment
scrubbed the bathroom wiped the walls
in spots swept the floor mopped the
floor made the one bed etc etc
then afterwords went out for a bus
ride up the North Highway and back
that was fun all the windows of
the bus opened up and the wind
sailing through

oh yah I was going to make coffee

Oh and also the coffee I bought with
my donut was very good It was Tim
Hortons coffee Very delicious
I enjoyed my day

..O..

10:52 a.m. - 2006-05-04

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