orgami's Diaryland Diary

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more of the ordinary

seven o'clock in the morning
been up all night long
havent been up this early in
a long long time

was doing so well with my sleep
schedule but now this
feels like a setback but I guess
not It happens Just keep trying
to stay to my schedule
Only thing is it feels weird for me
to be on a regular sleep period
So used to being up all night
to keep from dreaming
hate my dreams
hate the feelings I get in them
how its just from scenes from my
childhood Nothing interesting just
the same locale over and over again
i guess back when we figured out the
family was unravelling

I dont know

at nine years of age I wanted to
throw myself down the set of stairs
leading up to the bedroom but thought
I would just get a busted arm not
a neck

heh heh heh

thank god those feelings are not with
me anymore

I am awake just because I worry a bit
too much sometimes
or maybe not enough worry
or I feel guilty
waiting for the other shoe to drop
on whatever is going on in my life

nothing major is going on though
just the usual stuff
i have been through much much worse
the crazy years
the overdosing years
the drinking driving smashing cars
and body years
scars on my left wrist
where I cut myself with a butcher knife
scars on my face where i smashed it off
the steering wheel and then getting
out of the car climbing the steep
bank and slipping at the top and
smashing my face onto the sharp gravel
of the road scars on my shoulder where
they cut the muscle and put in a pin
after a car crash

all in a days work

my lower back is messed up from just
plain age and wear and injuries
nothing to major just a dull ache
that keeps me awake some nights

other then that life is peachy
i've come to know this life and
make amends to it
to forgive my own hardness on my
own self To let up on myself
to stop critizing my life
to keep from drinking and o'd ing
to get sleep just as much as
eating balance
aha yes balance
must get some of this

in the mean time I am awake for
today

its not raining out but damp
overcast and cool

I am so looking forward to getting
into the cozy apartment with carpeting
not like this barren tile floors
through the entirety of this place
its just crazy...

Now I feel like sleeping
my eyes are bleary trying to read
what I am typing I feel like shit
though too
hah hah
funny me
maybe I should make some more eggs
for breakfast and put some of that
tasty Billy Bobs wing sauce on them

I have been really pushing myself hard
when I go for a walk anywhere like just
given' er almost like speed walking
I did a lot of that yesterday
went in and out of downtown twice
and over to the mall to boot
trying hard to lose this blubber around
the middle

enjoyed my walk though noticing small
things still in the city
never boring always something new
to see hear touch experience

blabbing on again
will go again
for now

..O..

7:01 a.m. - 2006-06-11

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