orgami's Diaryland
Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it stirs........................................
one more for the road
today was quiet
dreamt last night i was
in a summer town and was
shopping in a busy alcohol
gun and weed acessory shop
there were mountian bikes
and crossbows for sale too
bars on the windows
and a laundromat next door
i had my packsack on and was
going round and round in the
store trying to find the
alcohol i knew it was in
there somewhere
bumped into someone i dont
want to talk too and had
the brief customary polite
conversation ended up just walking out
into the busy street night
a moon was up in the sky
a hazy warm yellow colour in the end i woke up finally
around noon all stressed out
cleaned up the kitchen and
ended up just watching television
for the most part of the day kept thinking of this Diaryland
dilemna
how in hell am i going to delete
six hundred entries
from what i can tell i have to
delete each entry seperate
there is no checkbox like on
e-mails this is not like writing
on paper went out at dark to the store
for treats stressed out by this
winterless weather thing going
on feel in a panic
living on edge lately possibly because i have not
travelled anywhere since the fall
and for a time i did get out of
this city during winter holidays but i have closed the door on
that option changed directions in doing so i have given up walking
downtown to meetings or around
the walkway on the lakefront and its starting to effect me
i am not the indoors stay at home
forever type i dont know
i dont know whats really wrong
with me lately just driving myself crazy like
i do occasionally
a good half hour walk away from
the apartment out to get air
expose my stupid outlook to a
change of venue works wonders some changes in my life
some issues from the past
have awakened old wounds
i can see where i settled
to be treated like shit
and can equally see where
i should have had the self
esteem then to stand up
and take direction in my
then messed up life but i didnt some other usual life
decisions to go through nothing that hard
thats the whole ridiculous
thing there are a lot of good
grounded issues working out
here but some small
insignificant thing will
drive me bonkers its just clutter past
facts about interactions
choices i dont want to get trapped
in the past start messing
with some long gone conversation
...
thats crap so here i am
listening to this damn fan
in the dark with only the
monitor blazing away so much good is going on
in my life its frightening
spent so much time hanging
out with dysfunctional people
making sure i could drift in
when i felt like it and get
the fuck out when i wanted
to when they drove me nuts
and all the while getting
cut up with sarcasm and petty
competitions thats why i consider deletion
of my whole bloody long pile
of entries my whole purpose and intent
about this site has changed
because i have changed from
the time i started to write
from the very beginning i dont understand what the
hell i am talking about in
the early entries and some
of the poems make me cringe
or opposite make me wish
i could still write so freely once when i was like this a
freind of mine made me go and
sit on a rock by the edge of
this reflecting pond for fifteen
minutes no talking no moving
about slowly things began to come into
focus a dragonfly landed on the
tall weeds beside me
minnows nibbled on my toes in the
water water bugs scurried on
the surface of the water i could
hear the wind in the forest
opposite the pond
it was beautiful
i still remember this that freind still wants me to
continue to write him via
the internet e-mail link and one person here wants me
to continue to write and at school when i took
school at work/the shop
they really liked my poetry i
wrote for one of my assignments maybe this is my pond
and a hell of a lot of other
peoples pond this screen
for now i agree with Lori that it is not
a substitute for true freindship
and interchange of talk ideas
laughter and game participation i dont know
i dont pretend to know everything
or anything but its whats going on in my head
lately
this will sort through and i will
sort through it its funny that i can paint a basic
painting in acrylic of a cottage
or pet or animal or kid and send it
off with people telling me they
really love it and thats that
i dont really think too much more
about it the process from starting
that challenge to completion is done but writing is personal
and yet i realize i post my writings
at Diaryland to be open
just like my paintings on the wooden
projects still in the store out
front of the shop its just grown to be so large a
number now like anyone elses blog
i have become the typical norm of
this technology its alive
its alive
..... ..O..
9:15 p.m. - 2007-01-07
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|