orgami's Diaryland Diary

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just down thats all

sometimes i figure i know
something
and then inevitably
i get shown that i do not
know what i think i should

my best enjoyment is my walk
not because i am doing it
for my benifit
but because its mandatory
and i can just accept this
and catch what i can on
the way

i really thought i could
just jump in and physically
be alright

but i see its going to take
more then two months to get
accustomed

or maybe i am reminded how
i just slept all day
how much i had given up

its three days till i officially
get hired
i go early i stay later then i
am supposed to
i smile and laugh a lot

i get told i do good work
that if i make mistakes or am
slow on creating something
that its okay
its a surreal world
a padded place
a make believe family

it is not what i was taught

its not true about my math
and my not wanting to play
cards

when i was eight i couldnt
add up cards fast so they yelled
at me told me i was smart
that i could do better
that i wasnt concentrating
didnt care
or worse lost interest because
i had trouble

sometimes that was the hardest
seeing them lose interest in
something that i really tried
to be a part of
the laughter
the togetherness
as least no one was fighting
for a change

so i just gave up and sat on
the dock or read books

the real world has sharp edges
speeding autos and rampages
cancer and addictions
walls and barriers

well i dont want to give up
i go to work
i attempt to paint

i try to fit in here
help out
but sometimes its not enough
sometimes there is only room
for family

why believe in family after
the slow disintegration
the slow verbal poison
the pain
cutting sarcasm
put downs

spent eight years with
Kelly being an outsider
pretending i belonged

what am i a veteran of

no wonder i get a sick
feeling sometimes
not just from the shit
on the television
but from the memories
of people who are dead
and gone now

and those who want to
explain or talk about
issues that i dont want
to deal with anymore
and thats my opinion
and my choice

so i have my padded litttle
world now at work
in a new building
with my radio and MOOSE
FM

and even though its not
really reality for a few
hours i think everyone
else wants to believe
in the supportiveness
togetherness of being
there

its not perfect
i never said that about
it its just not everyone
shitting on everyone for
mistakes or Lording over
one another because this
person can do this better
its about learning
and teaching in a patient
manner
something i have not found
in any job previous

but sometimes the world
has sharp edges
and you get cut

and you heal and learn
something about something
you thought you knew about
but didnt know nothing

and thats the way it goes
somedays

and you just carry it around
in your stomach or your
shoulders

or you spend money on an
escape
drugs alcohol trips things

all the societies
the fraternaties

and if you never belong to
anything because you werent
asked
well you just werent asked

sometimes you just wished you
were going somewhere
with a pocket full of sand
and a dollar in your shoe
someplace past that last
turn of the city bus

freedoms just another word
for nothing left to lose

..O..

10:17 p.m. - 2007-04-17

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