orgami's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Driving my dad to masonic meetings

A while ago
my father while still alive
was a Masonic Lodge Member

his wish was that my brother
and i would join him in the lodge
in the little community north
of us During those rough
years i had sporadic jobs
and a drinking problem and
mental health issues

i did not think that i was a
proper candidate for the Masons

the only time i had work was in
the fall when regular working
guys would go hunting to provide
for their familys and then it
was hard work and sporadic until
snow season hit and shut down
the seasonal employment

i had an uncle who was a shriner
too he was a nice uncle

later in my years on the road
i talked to someone who belonged
to the Masonic Order and they
said my father (who was getting
up there) said my father could
get me in

They had an open house at that
little local Lodge and my brother
and his wife and my then girlfreind
went and had a "tour" of the
local Lodge it was a very nice
place i thought

But

i was still struggling with
mental health issues and an
alcohol addiction problem
and no job so i couldnt buy
a suit like they all wore
and i felt i wouldnt be able
to fit in

so i never pursued it

my father just let it slide
in his latter years
i am sure it was one of
his many dissapointments
with me

he was a high ranking
fellow in the secret society
and wore his masonic ring
proud and his watch also

but i had no job then
i was a drifter or gypsy
living from home to home

now i can see the importance
of it all
but not then
i could not see the whole
grasp of it

i feel badly about this
even now

and my uncle who was the
shriner
he was a neat guy

i still see these guys in
the mall selling these
cakes at Christmas time

i want to tell them
that my uncle was a shriner
but then shrink away from
them in the end

i feel bad for not becoming
something more in my life
then i am now

in my fathers final years i
was struggling
and during his last i had
fallen out of yet another
relationship
so i stayed away from him
not wanting to tell him
yet another sad story about
how i had messed up another
relationship

and then months later he
died

it haunts me yet
i feel like shit

today with my new job
and money
well some more money
i have more self
confidence then then

but

he is gone

i want to tell you all
that my father loved
the Masons

and i understand today
somewhat his love for
this association

he was very proud to be
a Mason

i wish i had have been
more normal back then
to have joined him
as he wished
but it was not
meant to be

They say i was anti social
and i guess they were right
im working hard at fitting
in

so many parrellelisms

well hope this is helpful
in describing something
of my life

11:15 p.m. - 2007-05-29

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next