orgami's Diaryland Diary

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happy but concerned

well things are going okay

which worries me
i always mess up when im doing
fine

work is going so well
the people are professionals
and are fun to be around
not like anything i have
ever experienced in a work
environment

i always worked at crazy hard
rock places with insane people
literally and figuratively

so now im old at forty three
and inside and doing my thing
with the plaster and the moulds
of legs and arms and such
and im spoiled coffee when i
want air conditioning a big
window a radio my own room
and help and guidance from
amazing people

and i have it good here at home
with the love of my Lori and
the daughters when they come
to visit

we have awesome landlords
in a beautiful home apartment
backyard street city etc

so something horrible is about
to happen i figure like it
always did in the past one
way or another

my mom got cancer
my parents split
i fought with everyone

went on the road
got abandoned by another
woman

went into the psych
hospital
wandered
got a room
in a crappy place
drank drugged
survived just

tortured myself
stayed away from
my dying parents
hurt them by doing that

now haunted by that
even though i talked to
them on the phone and
made peace with them
they still physically
wanted me to come
and visit

scared to see them old
drunk ill whatever
didnt feel good about
myself at that time
in my life

didnt have this job
or the love of a good
woman like i have now

i feel like i dont
deserve all of this
on days when im down
like today

i feel like god is only
going to rip it all
away that its just an
illusion that if i get
too greatly happy in this
that something will
happen

so i keep hold of the
pain the ache
because its what i knew
for so long
fighting with all of those
people ex freinds
freinds
exs etc

despite my dark sides
people like me today
well read
well spoken
polite

suppose there's more
to go with that

well when it happens
ill be ready for it
im an old salt now
the storm doesnt
greatly get to me
i am still frightened
by its power over me

but im okay with this

in the meantime i will
say that today was
a beautiful day

that when i came home
the cats purred and rubbed
up against my leg and got
their attention
their heads petted
some food in their bowl
water etc

talked to them like i do

Lori put some new plants
inside here on a nice
stand made out of wooden
slats she is very
decorative minded and keeps
a good house for me and her
I help out too

my shoes are worn out already
that i bought way back in the
spring

but im happy despite all of
that foreboding feeling
i am smiling
even today

gotta go now

2:44 p.m. - 2007-09-19

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