orgami's Diaryland Diary

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my heart is breaking

sunday night hours early

learned my neice is very ill
i went away for awhile and
had nothing to do with family

just recently got in touch
again she had just gotten her
life together again also

shes a nice kid
very thoughtful i think
and pretty

i was so messed up those years
just took off from everyone

now im paying for it

still examining the emotional
damage thats there

wish i had of spent more time

its like here

some days im not even around
anymore to write down anything
just stuck on NEOPOET

or FACEBOOK

trying to figure out if i want
to delete everything and just
hide out from the world again

havent been feeling good lately
works going well Lori and i
are fine its just the fall
and the death of my parents long
ago all the unresolved issues
of not going to them when they
got old and ill I just stayed
away from them completely
for the last year of their life

im just a horrible horrible person
i hate myself
go on smiling and pretending
trying to make it all work

everyone proud of me for being
successful

im not proud
i hate what i did to them
i know i must have made them
cry or maybe make their illnesses
worsen

maybe they died of broken hearts
wondering why i never came to
see them Tell them i loved them
held their hands or hugged them
once again

just like when mom left dad and
went away
or when my father slipped into
the comforts of his alcohol

the empty homes
my lonely days

all the relationships with
busted hearted women
hard core people who took me
on

im tired
im not getting better
all i do is look at my photo
album and want to cry

theres nothing to say to them
i did that too them

thanksgiving
its just a sad time of the
year

i just hope my little neice
gets well

..O..

12:08 a.m. - 2007-10-07

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