orgami's Diaryland Diary

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my kid hates me and i know it

Monday July 21

Want to know something

I just blew it as a father
forgot my kids birthday
(thought it was today)

she was polite but curt

we have issues

I left long ago
chose to just avoid
something that went bad

play out the bad role

Like my father and his
father before him
and my mother who
mockingly told me it
would one day be my turn
to be in this self owned
predicament

And to make matters worse
I thought she was sixteen
when in fact she is seventeen

So forgot to call on her birthday
which she told me she expected
me to call her

and

forgetting she is a year older

it didnt start like that
When she was born from three months
the mother told me it was my turn
and I looked after her and took
her everywhere right up too and till
around four when the mother took
me to court for complete custody
of her NO visitation

we were getting along as good as
we could until then

that sort of changed me
the NO visitation part

I was starving couldnt afford
to stay at this high end apartment
and feed myself let alone take days
off so I just let it go

funny thing was the mother
allowed me visitation
when she wanted it how she wanted
it

and i could call and talk to her
but then that changed
one day i wasnt allowed to talk to
my daughter anymore

anyway it went downhill
i drifted away from the area
skipping from here to there
eating at shelters food banks
soup kitchens etc

got landed on my feet here
am trying to do the right
things

but failing miserably

a few years ago we started
to see each other again
a few visits quite a few
and then we drifted apart

she fell out of a relationship
with someone

i am here when my girlfreinds
girls come
they get to visit often
and i try to be some kind of
male figure

i saw my dad when my mother left
him so he was depressed all the
time then i got into troubles
as he got happy with a wife
with her kids

i wonder what my dad and mom
thought
spend all the years trying to
do the right thing and then
get opposition and then get
ignored

what a sad history but thats
it thats what it was and
history repeats itself

and i tried to help out with
two boys in another relationship
that went out

no one seems to care
i guess im just a lousy father
my girlfreinds kids had no fathers
for a long time
they left them
one kid went back
got taken out of that
space
they see them not
anymore

i dont know

im not confused
saddened by it all

i have my defects

the whole drift apart thing
i guess everyone gets pissed
off with me

should have just went out
west a long time ago
spent some bitter years out
there

why why leave the province
that I love??

I love this city too
i am so far from perfect

and Im a shitty fucking dad

there read that

guess its my turn now

should have
could have
may haves

i know you all have
ideas

forget it

i deserve this
my kid hates me

join some of the people

not all hate their parents

suppose i made my mom and dad
cry too

what else is new

9:22 p.m. - 2008-07-21

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