orgami's Diaryland Diary

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new dead era

there exists in history
a brief photo of myself
wearing the traditional
garb (blue) of an infant
boy

seated
pale
with blue eyes
and blonde brown wisps
of hair

not even fully in the photo
but seated askew
a portion missing of my
face
(undisturbed)

the dark curse
the story of near
misses when
others reached
the closed door

brought back the
story
varying degree by
degree so no compass
will ever steer me
home

"you were abandoned
by a drunken whore"

an updated version

"you were left for
(undisclosed amount
of time in a Motel
room).."

"I tried to get you back
but by then it was too
late the CAS had you.."

"coming back to the Rez we
were almost hit by a train
it was that close at the
crossing..."

"when you were born the young
Scottish doctor was so nervous
he knocked over a surgical light
and it exploded in the delivery
room.."

"the twins father everyone was
afraid of him and then he lived
on his own and they went hunting
and there was an accident and he
was shot But he had eyes just
like him!!!" (elder sitting at
homemade wooden table in summer
pointing directly slowly delibrately
a and carefully at me

they were afraid of my eyes
some of them
they would say it
but you could feel it

silence now
let the dead past bury the dead
wounds still fresh
steaming like spirit winds
in the cold winter day

so i wander
ever asking
"will i meet
the unknown
portion from
that photograph"

no one owned me
then

my adopted mother
taking me in and then
pushing me out
like the tide

wandering the halls
of home sleepwalking
looking for my
"mother"
"I'm you mother I'm right
here!!"
"no your not" continue the
ghost search awaking the whole
house then finally they
solved the dilmena by locking
me "outside" the denizen of
wolves, bears, darkness to
be feared
the worst horror of horrors

Screaming madly pounding on
the door meeting only silent
and the echose on the dark
neighbours homes

runnng around to the even
darker back of the home
pounding on the wall with
every strength in my arms

screaming in terror
till finaly a sister was
sent to retreive me

my parents laughing
"shhhh you'll wake up the
neighbours they'll think
we are killing you"

I never sleepwalked ever
again

at four i was told i was
adopted (this I knew)

"your mother was a drunken
whore who didnt want you
You are very lucky we loved
you so much that we adopted
you" I dont remember
feeling anything for a long
while

nine standing at night unable
to sleep from nightmares wanting
to throw myself down the stairs
but realizing i would only break
a leg and be a burden
not dead

thirteen
till now

the maze slowly fills
widens shifts

awake for days
slide off meds
the world tilts
as always

trust no one
how many pills to
fall asleep forever

my tatoo says Lori
with a small hopeful
heart

not mother not father

but everyday i swear
it says L O S T backward
in the mirror

i have given up the madness
of taking photos
searching the now adult face
for the bones and muscle of
the father I will never
correctly know

they never really wanted me

mother dying of cancer her hands
blackned from I.V. needles being
punched into her failing veins
not bruised
blackened like she was dead
already the morphine shunt in
her chest her weight dropping
invinciple in dreams in memory
indestructable now unimaginable
hating myself for hating her
now hating myself for loving
her

"I depended on you the most to
look after me when I got ill
again.."

brother sisters sucessful hard
working big homes cars

that shut the door

I thought I won when I stayed
away

"I've go seven presents under the
tree for you Its christmas you
have to come Please come and
see me"

I told her I loved her
that I missed her
but I never went

she had a beautiful large home
near a beautiful lake
a supportive husband

she was cremated
my father brother and I
stayed home
she didnt want a service

I killed her
I know I did

1:53 a.m. - 2009-01-10

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