orgami's Diaryland Diary

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Saturday perpspective

my meds
four five hundred Divalproex Sodium
prescription for only three
but I upped it

dont want to amp out
have a seizure
the grand mal tournament
jumping so high for so long
and crashing to the floor
scaring whomever is with me

the drives to the hospital
in Intensive Care for two days
hooked up to wires
why all the worry
im still alive

coming away
and in deep sleep
the REM state
feeling the roller coaster
top that bright white light
and then all memory all
visuals flashing at light
speed my stomach falling
weakly and I thrash and
thrash
I stop breathing
the minutes slow down
forever

then its over
I wake
cant remember who I am
or your face
what day or year
docile like Ive run a
marathon
loose control

loose control

read about those gone off
their meds
who continue to have seizures
return
and they die
they just die

seroquel shuts me down before night
slows me down when I wake

I had my manic days before christmas
feeling so important
spending lavish money we dont have
walking a thousand feet tall
wanting to leave that small feeling
the underwater sluggishness that
comes sometimes

awake beyond control sometimes
not sleeping
full of ideas screaming around my
head like the stock car race
I can catch them
I can figure out their meaning
I am the boss of control

I lose weight then gain it all
back sad at the weight gain I
have now
but Im older this happens
the medication doesnt help
I shove food into me
fighting the depression
comfort me food
fill the empty pit where my soul
resides

I write poety like crazy
obsessed with it
obessed with the women
my muses

they understand the crazy
swings the depression
the passion

irratibility flashing like
lightening i crush it in
my middle like a refinery
feeding the ego the id
flash goes the grit
then back down
subtle in the next moment
calm like nothing has happened

its not normal but its the normal
as I can manage

far from the days of rage
my mind crawling on fire
for days and days
no sleep
no comfort
in battle mode

taking risks at work with the
job in safety
the pole may hit me so what
the operator is a pyscho so what
dive into the trench and dig
with him and the bucket scooping
water right beside me
as I drill the rock mount
piss him off and see if he
brings his gun

dont back down to the old school
though they threaten me

crazy times
with crazy people

now its just dreams
haunting me
my mothers voice everywhere
see her driving past in cars
walking on the other side of
the street

should have gone to her
knowing I could never have
won capitulated
bowed down to her greatness
gave in

so the battle goes on
wake up some mornings
racing go to work loud
and laughing
they know me
know my moods

i work hard
work to perfection
as can be
sometimes distracted
my head full of
the hum of self
awareness of greatness

that fictional spotlight
that follows
living in so many worlds
addictions

coming here to leave
something

some words
some appeasement

7:26 p.m. - 2009-01-17

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