orgami's Diaryland Diary

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rainy tonight with overcast

"I am hungry"
the kitchen light is full
and cold
the small cockroachs slip
under the world of the old
fridgedaire

there is take away chicken
and rice and some ginger spice
something in a tin

"Oh do they have chopsticks?"

I pull out the drawer with
utensils gathered about the
resturants I sit watching the
rain and passing traffic
buses on their route full of
people faces
full of eyes

I hand you the little paper sleeve
and you dainty pull them free
and break the bamboo apart
thumb and forefinger drapes
and you demonstrate them
stretching out your pale thin arm
the scars stretching
along the valley
the veins ragged like a highway
blue and empty

I can smell you over the old cooking
odours the roomers upstairs
smoking under the stove vents
the fermented yeasts of the beer
drinkers

you smoke Cohibas in a yellow
pack watch you smoke them
how you exhale and walk through
the tinged air
like trying on the perfumes
at the department store

the clerk in her heels came
to send us away
certian we were lifting the
testers and maybe drinking
them You hoisted it high
spinning it in your too thin
wrist and spritzing us all
that smile paralyzing

"splendid darling"

walking out for me to follow
your entourage of one

you eat with perfect teeth
"baking soda" you tell me
between small bites

I rummage in my freezer full
of food bank frozen french
fries and retreive the Polish
Vodka
I pour you two shots worth
in the sytrofoam cup you brought
with you

you have a different jacket on
black its like a dinner coat
but I dont ask
dont want to know

shoes are soaked
and damp footprints
are on the old linoleum

I pour myself some vodka
and sip it slowly feeling
the warm burn of it
I was watching the snow
falling past the old fire
escape
I was in her room again
I always wake up and im
in her room

"you visiting her again?"
you ask without looking up
your trying different mascara
and new shade
your brows look natural and
beautiful

I cant but i love you anyway

you never cared what I was
talking about You said you
fell in love with me for my
voice when I took you from
the bus station that time

you said you could never figure
out how the unattractive people
had the most beautiful voices

you said it was like the rain
how could it be so beautiful
and so painful
said you saw ghosts in the puddles
heard angels in the drains
calling out

and you would sing in that
ethereal voice

"did she ever wake up?"
your scraping the last of the
meal from the foil
and your eyes are larger
maybe its the new look
Im rattled by them
maybe its the vodka
I ran out of medication
and have been only out
this day for the meal

"no...no she never woke up"

you stare at me and tilt the
cup back the lipstick sticks
to the cup edge and in this
light it looks like your
bleeding

I want to hold you
but my arms would drift
through you

you always come to me in
the rain
"why do you keep coming back"
"why do I stay.."

the fridge comes on in a loud
hum the lonliest sound
you put your chopsticks down
across your tray
and wipe your mouth with the
napkin

"you have to try to remember
harder" you rock in your
old chair eyes closed
the hair clip is rusted

you held onto my hands that
night "They are so warm"

"I try to remember I keep
waking up in that room but
I cant remember "

I look for the perfume you
wore often if I find it you
will be real

your zippo is still here

I wake up and the snow is
falling through the fire escape

I had a dream you were burying
me
you were sitting on the dirt
and looking down at me
you were beautiful

the rain was surrounding
you in the faint light like
a halo

I'll try to remember

11:33 p.m. - 2010-12-12

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