orgami's Diaryland Diary

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sweaters and jeans..........

people have got their lives in order..
they buy underwear and socks...
i got a pair of kick ass jeans..
bitch jeans..okay laugh and think
is much...but on a long limbed
walked like i with the right dress
shirts and jackets it looks great..
i know fashion...and decent shoes...
but i love my women...and they say
they love...but women are women..
even if they are absorbed into you..
the male ego..the super regarders
as i call them....even they are
missing something..unless its a
great thing..

which is not me..
i have the whole side that is real
the darkness
which i wont admit too but sketch
about here
like we all do...

sweater...my mother knitted me these
before she got sick....cancer..
she could sit in a house with her
hubbies and she kicked ass...worked
hard..had her own car...was not like
whom you can imaging ..you would
have had to have met her...

same..she wrote me a horrible letter
but we always did that..she liked that.
being able to destroy you with words..
which she was good at...my brother and
sister fighting...my mom at the center..
whom knows why...said i was supposed to
be the one she could count on at the end..
meanwhile there is my brother and sister
driving with their expensive vehicles they
both worked hard to get..along with the
houses and families they hung onto....
and i was going through my women on
a rotation enough....i didnt have the
multiple like some....but of the oddity
and strange qaulity of brilliance and
hauntedness of these women....whom were
strikingly good looking if not beautiful
in the eyes of the strange competent men
whom wanted them and chased them....
it was much..

i wore out the sweater...wore it like it
was intended to be worn..i dont think
she wanted me to put it away in the
closet.....she got sicker again..her
husband did what he could..they drove
her about bought the essiac but the
cancer had moved from the lungs into
everything else....the double masectomy
bought her twenty more years...she
got the big home that she wanted..
she worked towards that too and golfing
down south....but after that trip about
being there for her...after i last saw
her that letter about her seeing my
then three year old more then i saw
her.....my ex is smart practical and
does what she does to keep ahead..
karma .paying for it now...still holding
her own....they know...run point and you
just know the limits of odds..or not...i
did not see my mom when she ws dying in the hospital..her frail arms blackened from all the iv injections..her illness from chemotherapy just put me back
a few years....all it would have been
anyway was the steven against the micheal and debbi show..even though
right now they are dealing with all
of this years and years later..i asked
their wive and hubby about it and we
spoke with our eyes to not speak about
it again and we have just stayed away
from each other......so i got to be
the horrible steven...they got to be
the faithful son and daughter...jeans.
completely different story now...
im over that old shit..
i told my mom on the phone i loved her
we said goodbye a year before she went..
i was on the road...nothing..far from what i have now....no one called say..
hey want to get picked up....you would
hve to see my writing here to know i
usually have a point of view and an opinion on matters....
i give cash to the cancer society up here and i get a reciept and i dont dream about her as much as before..
ghosts really tear the heart out of you
when they are not even scaring you..just in her kitchen like normal..like it always was..but i knew she was gone..cant just bring that up..which i would normally in real life..but in the dream i kept my mouth shut..

just chatted about the normal.

she was smart..she cared..she just was what she was...from what she went through..

i do sit in hospitals now..for a time..not there every day...not one of those good guys....im faceted and a lot of it isnt polished at all..

but i try....

wore out the sweater..not a shrine
jeans..

not something of my moms...but just a woman i knew..pretty and young..my age..sent some baby stuff for another woman i knew and in the bag of things a pair of pants....the woman i knew told me to try this on..get out of my other old crap..live a little...so it did..felt foolish
but now its very hip...a year later..
i wore them as i should..like any
uniform....and like any uniform its
got its wear...i love things till
they fall apart.....missing chances to
replace it with something new that will
work...more to me...but no..same old
crazy steven hanging on to all the old
stuff...so i sewed on the patches to
these pants....badly too...but i had
fun...stitches all horrible..i like this
hillbilly feel to it....another woman
sent me this link that in the cities
they are paying a hundred fifty dollars
for old jeans with patches sewn on..
so im dressing like a chic kind of
hipster....when in reality my money
goes to help other people with their
ghosts so they can at least operate
and dig in and function and have a life
instead of being shivering and shaking
locked down from fear and all that....

thats not a hero either..or a loser..
just another grunt in the way of life
and how it goes...
so i sewed up the pants...
which look alright...
i love them....my mom taught me how
to sew..said..dont become a man leaning
on a woman....not that she didnt like
the women...but that we could be reliant
on our own talents...and our dad taught
us the man stuff..tools...all that other..

no money..they lived away..they got sick and died....well the one just didnt want to live and drank themselves to death..
i had a personal thing about people dying..i tend to not like it..and avoid it.....went to a few funerals of people that i knew lately......thats about it.not getting close to anyone anymore..

im going to wear out these jeans though..like the oddity freak that they know me to be......

i would be nice to have someone..but i think my work lies not in that coziness but in the realness of whatever it is i do out here.............

3:33 a.m. - 2014-09-02

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