orgami's Diaryland Diary

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gave away my typewriter....

Lots of light left in life..
but its getting darker..
and I cant seem to see what
the hell all this has been
truly for....

always asked that question
a million times
taking the depression and
making choices..
then let them pull me back
again

fuck calling them next time
next time I know I will be
gone...it was bad enough yet
again this time

Im not mad..angry..bored..
I dont even know

just senseless the way people
treat each other for what...
then the get better and sicker
and die

no answers to all the questions
take the mysteries with them

and I keep getting shunned
more and more
from grade five on..like a wave
like lightbulbs and streetlights
going out across a city
of darkness..

like Gotham...even in my Dreams
and visions its like this
horrific nightmares
and I try to be decent and nice
and lose it often..the stress
and fear and anger....
how we have no control
and even if we did..
when it all goes
out like that last bulb

then what......

all that stuff we think
we see is real
Is Not Real

then you really start living
the game of life but Im old
and tired and Im thinking
ive been kind of at this
forever....

aha

see kind of...
not good enough
kind of like walking on high
steel or high wire..

thats not good enough

typewriter weighs a ton
beautiful...someone else
wanted it..
no one else interested
in it..shipping the motherfucker
would have been too much...

Maybe living in the dark is the
start..will see the stars..
smell things better...

I hate wanting someone and
watching everyone else go through
the motions ...but its a horror too
and even I here..
how flippant and moodswing
crazy it is...

I still find life very interesting
and people and random sketchy ass
shit and Ive made my own persona
character larger and more quieter

still no one really coming forward
but then I have no partitions and I see
things and feel things..
like a Gift..

not as great as you think
makes life fucking boring as shit
kant hide from purpose

still got lights..metaphorically
speaking
but a lot of beautiful people
whom were writing me and I was
talking too moved on.
so wrapped up in my head
I missed them
and thats sad...
they were right there
and all I did
was

avoid them.....

Im not good at connecting at all
everyone got sick or fucked off
and I took it personal and thats
just the way it is..
and I got shunned from being
weird which I am..
cant blame society

so now what...
winter is fucking long and harsh
weather affects us emotionally
or me so much and others too I guess..
I guess Im not alone..
when I think about it...

hmm....trying to figure out what
to do next...I will just do it automatically
very shakely for the start..
i just survive...
its when things go great
that I just pull the big fuck up
and gamble with my life

next time..
there aint gonna be
a next time
i aint coming
back
fuck this shit..

cheer up other twinside of me
there is a tomorrow
and a today
i will live in both worlds
and you just keep the body
going...

great..you ...You they love
you get all the fun
and I keep the fort looked
after..
so good at house sitting

all i did
all my life

im a ghost.
a vampire...
and you..
I never even thought to
wonder about you really

hmmm think you are so smart..
what if I study you my twin
think thats humorful

fine...i will sleep
and dream
i remember the dreams
i even met you a few
times
but you probably think
that wasnt goign to happen

you are worried i might
just go
spoil things?

wha wha..
typewriter..
no i havent forgotten my
title

giving things away
duh...

you never even bothere with
it...you wrote all the time
on that thing and i wrote
in the little books

the ones you hated
and thought were an overburden
of logic..its paper
small...handwriting

forget this im tired of arguing
with you

i came here to write
and now i need a smoke
you hate smoking
finally i got some control
here on this realm..

and I I here have your
blue godamn eyes!

most exciting thing Ive written
here in ages..
both of us are smiling

might be on to something

later alligators.

12:31 p.m. - 2014-10-14

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