orgami's Diaryland Diary

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Bleak Beauty!

I like that line..
the drawings..the paintings..
ended up working for weeks
on them and getting such
little money....and then
the money went like that..
one trip to the store..

box of crunch a munch..a
cup of coffee for them...
pack so smokes when we
ran out...

gone...gone like the painting
given away as gifts to some
which was okay...
or sold for twenty to thirty
dollars...

the sketchs worth more for all
the work from me anyway...
others can work fast and accurate
and the stuff is great...I put
much detail in them...I have a
style enough...and they go for
like forty too sixty...and I work
on those for a full month on and
off because I have a bitch of
a time sitting still..and before
when the place was really jumping
here there was not time..no space
either too work...

not its just settling from all that
craziness and hoping and trying to
not worry and be concerned...

its funny because in some ways I met
my match with that kid...or..like
the cartoons...im just spinning in
the dust...whom the hell knows...

nothing about feelings much at all...
I stay the hell away from all that..
because I had issues to begin with
and then the family motto from
my mother was just to interogate you
over and over and over..and then not
care..move off on something..completely
forgotten and different...

my superpysch older woman doc says most
people have partitions and walls by the
time they are eight...six..five...seven..
everything comes in everything goes out..
a lot of thoughts...
I like that what Im not even aware of
half the time I am but not aware of it...
a big statement about awareness right
there....what do I mean...I can read a book
and forget half of it...but know enough
when I need to know...out of the blue..
not idetic or I would be someone..doing
something other then barely surviving...
even though its beautiful here.....
there is a bleakness....

emotional bleakness...on my end anyway..
but its there wiped out like the desert
appears to be...or is.....a rough place

I have a sense of humor..its a wicked dark
one....I have a drive....just often it
has too be turned down or off...

restless....

and so it goes...
want to get back to the poetry writing
am taking the dog out on the hill
but its like...been up there..know it..
right now there are bears too and those damn animals are getting used to humans..not like its anything new...like us they are predators and bright otherwise they wouldnt catch anything...like fat slow walkers and dogs content...all we have is loyalty to keep each other safe...sometimes...

why we have the dog and the kind it is and how I basically took it over...maybe how princess kind of took me over..and didnt...

i have a hard time making sense of things and
yet see everything.....just hard to write it...

most times I just watch u tube vids...info..music..the usual..no television...hardly any television..

no library....fucked that up..but I dont
need to be in there all the time anyway...
no i didnt get kicked out..i just have this
sixty dollar bill...vids..went into hospital....etc...

4:33 a.m. - 2015-09-29

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