orgami's Diaryland Diary

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feel human

i dreamt i would be happier
when I was younger
when I would be an adult and find my way in the confusion I lived
the emotional war kept alive
the snipers and landmines the burned out safe places the stark beauty when the words were rested and everyone was getting along rare beautiful moments where there was no exchange of brutal language threats denials and abandonments and here I am feeling so open now therapy does this to me
I feel Like crying all the losses
I am not an awful person I am a good man at times I try to be yes I have my faults my uneven view of the world
but I am not creating more havoc then some I try to be sensitive and not so judgmental Oh well I will eventually learn to love myself again
be safe in my own skin not fear people
that all people are out to hurt me like in the past that room where my heart trtuly is is so full of stuff
and I have to go through it all slowly to get to the truth
i want the truth I want to be whole
and to feel emotions and feelings
to know what they really are not second guessed ideals

all the people I leaned on in the past and cried with are on with their lives
they still get in touch me with me now and again and ever so often during my travels I may see them and wish them well do the usual one minute exchange

i have been through so much
still am going through
but I cannot stop now
no turning back
no dropping out
even now I have all you people who are knowing me

it seems so much
because maybe it is much
human human human human and I am...

11:19 p.m. - 2005-05-01

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