orgami's Diaryland Diary

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just writing

writing today and switching to Siouxsie
and back and its losing all my
entries
just wrote a good one
about photographs and lost it
I feel like crying
so many worries of late
about getting rid of MAX the tail less
cat about moving and Lori not liking
the new place
about the downstairs landlords making
it difficult because they are just
plain mean to Lori and I
and about the fact that the world
for the most part is not nice at all
but we sugar coat everything with
our re told fables and television
where laughs at any expense is good
(unless one watchs drama which comes in many forms today....)

cool today wispy clouds
I have written the above three times now and I hope it makes it to the entry page

try again to put this down
this feeling
sad lack of control
anxiety burning in my guts like a hot stone about everything
moving facing August when I am to go
with my daughter to a concert in Barrie
hoping that everything is going to be
fairly okay at the apartment with Lori
before I go because if things are going
on like now I want to be there and
that will mean I will not be able to
take Chloe to that concert and she
may miss it Or Carolee will have to go
either way will I end up letting people down?????

Lori smoking steady again more worry
going on in her head and there is nothing I can do to help her
her own troubled past keeping her
in her world and I in mine

i lay back on the grass between the church and that two storey building downtown before the meetings start
and I watch the wind stroking the ivy
that climbs up the wall and the roofline
of the church and above that the free
imagination place of sky clouds and birds that pass directly overhead
it is for me meditation which I see
I really really need
I enjoy this brief interlude from
worry
I think this is what Lori feels like
most days and a lot of other people
Does this mean I am getting more real??
challenging to say the least
anyway not making any sense at this
today No great poems no great observations just this note
......................

10:49 a.m. - 2005-07-27

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