orgami's Diaryland Diary

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DELETE THIS

holy shit
I just went back and read some
of my entries and realized
how poisonous and full of
anger they were
So I deleted them because its
a side of me i wish never existed
that was what I used to be like
more times then what I am trying
to be here on this interntet
site Vicious and mean
berating people threatening people
I used to be so paranoid
so out of control
its no wonder that I ended up in the
Psych hospital looking for help
its just an amazing trip though
in getting here and not being dead
in a rooming house

was such a mess two years ago
drining and ending up overdosing
so many times they finally got sick
of me and told me to find another
city to live in at the hospital
that was the doctor who treated
me the last time said to me
in private It woke me up a lot
better then any condescending words
would have done

I stuffed feelings all that shit
is coming out here and there
as I let go I find more places
where it bursts forth like torrents
in a broken damn

for the most part I am dealing with
my anger I have a counsellor who is
really good and a Psych doctor who
I have yet to meet (this is a new
one I have gone through three already
two retired)

so many shattered peices though
I dont care I am stubborn
I go to my meetings when I am in
North bay and take my medications
and try to be open minded thats the
whole reason i liked Lori because
she made freinds easy and she was
social something I was not that
much of when it came down to it
So those two horrendous entries
are also a part of me

cannot dwell to long on it
admit it that i did it and move along

yah so anyway what about that weather
today Nice trees out this back window
snow sticking to the Hemlock
resting on the branches of the
bigger older trees on the next door
neighbours lot

the sun is shinning and I am alive
and heading home to Lori
She read those entries by the way
and was so mad at me No wonder eh
Ohh more coffee is needed by me
see you all later.O.

11:25 a.m. - 2006-02-12

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