orgami's Diaryland Diary

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waterfront

dear old Diary
its been while since I have left much ado here about nothing

however here I am

today is overcast and windy
we had some snow after that warm
stretch of spring to be
when water ran in rivulets and streams
opened up their quivering faces to the new years sky once again

so much going to happen in the next
month I am worried about so much
about this future i have with the
goverment ODSP/CPP I wonder if I
am going to fall into the cracks
of one institution or the other
seems only yesteday I was sitting in
the looney bin and yet so much water
has gone under said bridge

Chloe said she was going to come up
by bus and that to give her my phone
number for her mom and nothing
Still awaiting call but its only
Wednesday so technically she could
be still coming but I am at this
point not holding my breath
Still its nice to think about seeing
her again even though we are flat
broke and have enough food for all
three of us for the duration of her visit/s should it come to be

tired too with all this worrying
I sleep in when I can and sleep through the day too around four o'clock I sleep until my meeting time and then Lori
wakes me up But I haven't been going
to the meetings in days
went to one and it was a good meeting
but that was that Tonight I want to make it to Vimy because it has a good bunch of drunks going to this and I like the one woman who goes there that
I knew from when I first came to North Bay

worrying is such a waste of energy but
worry I do

oh well makes me normal
everybody has some worry of some sort
some sort of stress in their lives
i try not to be dragged down by it
but I am human and it gets to me

today I was so nevous that I dropped a
conversation in mid sentence to a freind and went off to make tea and then sweep neurotically and clean the
bathroom until coming back online and
finding them pissed off at me for leaving the conversation So it goes
so it has been done
and still I am worrying about the tommorrows

the aparment is cleaner and I feel proud of that one good accomplishement I did today Oh that and I went to Math and English "school" and had a
talk to one of the counsellors there
about maybe getting work in the shop
just like Lori is doing
made sure I had something to eat
made tea watched some television until I calmned down and then came back online
only to find my freind is pissed off with me and won't talk to me anymore
Well at least I have this site to "talk"
to its a comfort to have someone who maybe understands out there
I am slowly starting to get to know
myself more and more Try to not do what I used to do all the time
and end up still falling back the odd day into the past But I am not going to let that stop me from moving ahead
I know I am getting better slowly
More then I have been in years I think

so tired sitting here Not used to waking up around seven forty a.m. today
usually I sleep till twelve and still find i am tired even with the sleep
but I am dreaming all the time too
though

and my back kills me on damp days like today and I am forty pounds overweight
so that kills my back too lugging around that extra blubber
bah some days are just not good ones

however such is life
sooner then later spring will be here
the snow will leave flowers will emerge
the days will grow longer
more sunlight
more time for walks
the ice will leave the lake soon
and I can go and watch the waves coming in from the islands and crash against the stone breakwall at the docks
I find so much peace down there
i meditate there
I need that
I need to find something calming
one day

..O..

3:57 p.m. - 2006-03-15

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