orgami's Diaryland Diary

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another slice of my life

they were fighting again
it was unmistaking
the raised voices and hurled
sharp words
keen edged anger
and it fell over all of us
Weekends were the worse
Friday nights after supper
and then continuing on
till my father finally
bounced off the walls to
bed My mother having called
him "Coward" "Spineless" and
"Your not a man"
My father even drunk would only
admonish her would never yell
back at this woman he loved
(even if he loved his alcohol
more then any of us)
We would cry ourselves to sleep
my brother and I
my older sisters would comfort
us
It felt like a bomb would be
ticking every Friday
got so that I had to stay up
see the fight through and only
be able to sleep when the dust
had settled for that weekend

My father worked hard to provide
for us and my mother worked as a
nurses aid looking after the sick
the dying the young both were
hard workers and treated us well

but the fights I still dream
about them still hear those
sharpened words fly like blades

when I get impatient I can feel
them slipping out of me
past my tongue hurting people
in small bitter ways
just drawing blood
it hurts them because they love me
and in loving me I fear them
for Love anything and it will be
removed forever
so Fear is with me each night
and morning
sometimes it leaves me and I forget
but only for the moment

I am not overseas
I am not a warrior
I have my self
my body
my world
is OKay

my dad would sing and be happy
when he wasnt drunk and my mother
told good jokes and was always
upbeat thats why it was so hard
to see such happiness turn to
such ugly colours at night

I still have problems sleeping
Like right now I should be
asleep but am awake sitting here
and I feel like a coffee too
perhaps I should partake of this
thought Hmm a coffee yes
or a tea
decisions

....

i can get close to you people
because you cannot see what I look
like I barely know what any of
you look like
and writing a screen is far more
impersonal then a face to face
conversation at a coffee shop
yet even here I fear you
fear of your words of praise
not comfortable in being secure
self esteem self worth
still feel the chill of depression
slanting like a sinking ship
soon to be in the water
and I cannot swim

lately havent been able to stay
at the AA meetings
have panic attacks so I leave
right away

we are moving in couple of months
and I am worried about the new
place Happy too and yet so worried
I am a wreck at times

"chill out"

yes yes I need to go to the waterfront
and sit and watch the sun set on
the lake like so many many others do

just went and brushed my teeth
feels clean and refreshed
looked at my face in the mirror
the long black hair the goatee
another mask to hide behind
so many different looks over the
years Trying each new thing on
I miss my leather jacket I once
wore with fringes right out of
the sixties it was buckskin coloured
and everything hah hah
there a good memory

Oh at work I have painted so much
a loon with two babies I am working
on now freindly artsy stuff but I
love it such a change from not
drawing anything
eight things I have drawn so far
i am so happy about this
good for my self esteem
Lori told me about this two years
ago but I didnt listen to her
thats the way it is with some people
different speeds and different tracks
one day I will understand and listen
I just have some growing to do yet

....

11:36 p.m. - 2006-06-10

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