orgami's Diaryland Diary

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notation of past potholes

almost noon
sun streaming in through
the kitchen window
snow on the rooftop of
the house nextdoor
smooth and pale
we have our meal all
prepared for our guests
soon to arrive
the large turkey is in
the pan with stuffing
in place seasonings
on its skin
vegetable tray ready
cheese ball warmed up
decoration glue gunned
back in place on the
entertainment center
fresh clothes on a
pot of coffe into me
some chairs from downstairs

outside the weather is
brisk not icy

changed my passwords on
my accounts last night
blocked some people
it is time to move on
and escape the negativity
that surrounds some like
a pit of despair
did the blame game for years
also at this age i need to
transverse that chasm of doubt
and step on the solid of
self awareness and self love
nothing wrong with seeking
positive energies

will i miss the connections??
or do i need to be a part of
the sadness and rejection that
seem to clothe some people
social angst anger at circumstances

i had a good childhood and a
lousy emotional childhood
but in the end i see my parents
really did try their damndest
to make the best of it for
themselves and my brother
and sisters we are all scarred
and have sought some kind of
refuge here and there past dues
but we are still all alive
my parents are gone of course
but i meant my brother and
sisters and self

going back would be like drinking
again i cannot even drink a
mickey of alcohol i end up
all messed up emotionally and
physically and am sick for days
afterwords my brain does not
seem normal for a long time
going to be with people with
their own personal problems
also messes me up I am not
a mind doctor or guru every
person is on their own path
of discovery to their peace
with the world Or not
it is foolish to think that
my presence alone would be able
to help them sometimes a
seperate peace is the answer
a step away and silent contemplation
to allow them to be confronted
with what ever fears or anger
they have that is most in need
of confronting

i was once weak and lost and
hurting and lashing out and messed
up my words were my sabre and i
cut in any emotional way i knew
how i went through that to get
here it is in me and behind me
and i must remember in times
of confusion that i need not
chose the old ways but a new
way of dealing with issues if i
want to grow and make room for
new understandings and social
presence

that is my diary for today
I am called to duty in the
kitchen
the festivities are about
to begin.....

..O..

11:44 a.m. - 2006-12-29

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