orgami's Diaryland
Diary
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collage of memory clips
drinking cola
feeling fine
solutions racing through
the heavy lines take my music
and turn up the
speaker hear the lyrics
sung by the teacher
She's moody
and a tease
yet she knows
what makes me
ease
takes me to my
knees
i want to wrap her
in crimson variations
four post desires breath kisses
on her pallid
gentle skin
And on the street
I want to know the
know
read my rag paper
express message
the world
never ending sipping black coffee
from Mexico
served by short cute
whie girls in green
aprons they smiled today
at my broken carnivore
grin maybe they can smell
the sin
my heart is breeding
and still bleeding
whip it out
she wants it
and needs it
touchs it with
her long taloned
fingers and
slender knuckles im in heaven
watching them
grasp pluck and pull
the twenty from my
wallet baby needs it I kiss her face
on the right dusted
cheek
rounded and just
right look into her
smile and taste
her happiness
with my fingers no need to put her
on the leash
ankles
wrists left free watching too many
crime TV's her pouring the hot
candle wax on my
barren chest
my hands together
behind me such joy in her eyes
who is the victim
who is the prize
Flowers are suckling the
tears from the rains
and growing sleek
and robust filling in
the arid scene from winters
sleep
and I am tired beyond my
own interpretations writing here like never
before openening up yet another
door Remember in winter
visiting that dock station
they hauled on the landing
the waiting room had
an old couch
no windows left
a peaked little roof
and a storage ticket area
wooden floors so cute and lovely
so cold and bright she wanted to make love
right then and there and we never did it I thought it was too
dirty her long burgundy
jacket would get the
dust thick on her
and the car You know how many times
I wished we had taken
the time to go about the
desire what a memory that would
have been her hair cropped short in
page boy style
those large blue eyes
that cute nose and lips
that pointed sweet chin
and long throat
and skinny body five foot seven
wearing pink day glo panties and i was not fat like now
and still hadnt gone over
the edge
still had my two upper
teeth either side of the two
middle ones and we were in our best
dressed clothes
and expensive cologne and
perfume I was not spontaneous then
still hadnt leared about women
much Hadnt the know to know so now Im old and just re think
that time
It would have been so much fun
it was such a nicely built little
building for the steamers taking guests
to BIGWIN RESORT in the Muskokas
moved from the long dock to
the shore So tired today and the last week
probably depression sinking in
my dreams are filled with so
much of the past and people long
gone and dead its actually sunny out right now
as I write i cant see because the blinds
are forever drawn in this place
Lori and her conditions leave
her no option but to limit
her sensitivty to light
and visual distractions
thus the blinds but lots of light gets through
and the windows are large in
this place a nice neighbourhood and its Friday today and its summer
and we have food
and i have coffee and we have each
other
with all the give and
take over four years we are just now beginning
to know one another so hard to trust someone
when all your life you
were trained to trust no
one and then heap
addictions on top
abuse
neglect emotional turmoil
etc its not Awww thats too bad
either
its more like
Awwwwww holy shit Once talked to a fire chief
in a tim hortons
we were like the only two
in the shop getting coffee
and we were in the line
just two and we talked and then
we got talking more
and we sat
down He eventually told me
that once he had to get his
men together first
before going into a burning
building thats the proper order
so no fireman gets killed
make a plan to get in
and make a plan to get out
right then and there
and it was his job to
make that decision
Be that leader so three minutes passed
while the house was going
up he went in and brought out
a young person
but they could not help her
even though they tried and he told me he blames himself
saying he sould have gone into
the house first
say "fuck it " to the plan
risk the firemens life other
then his own i told him he did the right
thing that there must be an
order to things It was just
not the little person who was
in danger there it was his men
too who would faithfully follow
him and his orders it was just one of those sad sad
things to happen I told him if my daughter was in
a fire I would want him to be the
captian of the team arriving
and setting up the plan
becauase maybe they would need
the men to move or break through
a door or help pull each other
out if the fire was too deadly I told him sad things like that
just happen but I told him I
knew he was hurting about this I gave him a hug and told him
I wasnt that kind of guy Just
wanted him to know I felt his
pain He gave me his favourite
leather five finger gloves
and at one point told me I would
have been a hostage negotiator it was one of those spiritual
moments as if God had sent us
to meet together that night
in winter I remember seeing the news footage
of the fire on television
and hearing about the fatalities
(the grandmother died in the fire
and later it was found she set it
Like I say a sad sad story) I hope I helped him someway
I think about him all the time
and about Paramedics and Policemen
front line soldiers who take it
all crisitsizm judging
making split second decisions
etc and dealing with people with
known darknesses and histories
like zookeepers walking in a
zoo with no fences soaking up all of it well I have written a lot here
some different
stuff and some other stuff there is so much its just my musings
and writings part of my therapy
1:03 p.m. - 2008-06-20
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