orgami's Diaryland
Diary
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response....responsibility
I am human...I respond...
emotions..feelings...
reactions and from ideals and values
and beliefs... This I am being told from a court ordered set of following to a plan that I must adhere too...A deal of deals...already Ive missed two meetings from not being focused enough....Being good..being sober but letting my world get to busy with other peoples issues that I am involved with...They survived without me on the
scene....they ask me if I mind running
the errands...They know enough to look
into my eyes and ask many times..To see
if Im high..or drinking again....This is
important because for a long long long
time I did all of this and not well.. I tell them yes..happy to be a part of
happy to be doing something...and in
my attempts this time I used a little
book to write dates down...notes...numbers
carry a cell phone that because more
and more complex in my head... Everyone was proud of me and still are
that Im not drinking nore high all
the time....They know they want me
happy and productive...Happy I still
have my good job...They gave me clothes
and jewellry to wear that I would value
and stay focused...help me stay away
from the first drink....All designer
clothes because although not very
handsome or photgenic I have good
eyes and a voice..Designer clothes with
little pockets...Skinny jeans that
are very sharp and daring and look
good on my tall frame and now skinner
self....(My upper body is built well)
not musculatur but with the big cree
chest...Designer pockets are not
designed to carry little note books
candy and cigarettes and pill bottles
and folded paperwork massive amounts
of change for the "Blue Limo" the
joke for the bus system here in our
city...I end up losing my little books
with notes sketchs poems in them...
I get busy and forget the appointments
I get to keep....Magic marker on the
hand worked well...but then I forgot
to put the magic marker on my hand.. one more and it goes back to court
and probably jail time.... In the meantime I realize that smoking
is not good for me....everyone is
unhappy because I quit for many years
I cannot afford it.. I dont carry as much stuff anymore
and have grown to see that losing
stuff is not the end of the world
get over it quick and move on..there
will be a chance meeting with friends
if I stay open and happy and aware
and not locked down kicking myself
or simmering in anger and being pissed
off....it was just a one dollar book
and all over things can be replaced.. lost friendships from being angry all
the time is a loss....Im starting to
see how people dont want to hear about
something abstract from ten years ago..
especially if its not a happy one...
and told in an agitated manner.. but then I realize this is part of
my mental issues also....behavioural
etc..... normal thing would be...Okay how do
I feel about getting all this great
nice beautiful clothes that help me
look good...Becauase I wore shitty
clothes before...old rotten dirty
sneakers falling apart and holey
socks...I never washed much nor
wore cologne or deodarant and crappy
old ill fitting clothes over and
over with a jacket beat up.... I felt safe in these same clothes
over and over with huge pockets
with snaps..safe with my stuff
that I could sit and hide in
probably like people do with their
text machines..their life..their
friends..their games..their apps
and pics.. But I feel something more in these
new clothes...a stretching of a kind
of freedom that is easier to do
with this new look...dumping away
of carrying all my old security
things....growing into being less
stressed...starting to push harder
to remember dates..times..meetings
then just to think of it on a peice
of paper.....Growing up is what I
am getting at.....Drinking all the
time I didnt have to grow up..
I could still be a pissed off little
kid from the mid seventies I have ten dollars in my pocket for
the next two weeks...I can make it..
have money saved for christmas
I dont have many hobbies because all
my money went to the women Im trying
to help out along the way....Or it
went on my addictions... thus the no schooling beyond high
or trade learned.... I am asked to talk with many people
who are intelligent and have made
money and have careers.....I find
that the clothes do help one slip
in amongst the others better... its allowing me acess to a different
crowd...its like a sign to them that
I understand the system...that I am
willing to change and upgrade...
that I have pride and respect myself
to do that.... so Im getting to a more calmer more
focused base of people...then the
hectic on the go person I was before. Because of the way I think I get overwhelmned
by information...sights..sounds at
times....and yet when Im focused
I can walk right into a chaotic moment
and handle it very well...i realize
and accept of my mood swings I am happy that I am allowed into
peoples lives to be intimate with
them....share their things and
am trusted with their treasures
and homes...be a part of their life. therefore I am not truly a poor man I have God in my life...I understand
that I am to strive towards being
what I know intuitively what I can
be....there is always a choice somedays
before making that decision..that
is our freedom to make I am lucky that I was saved for today
from taking that first drink
that life with drink is an illusion
that seems wonderful before I take
it....a way out...a reward.. a break
but its just that....just a con artist
out to take everything away and ruin
what I do have...and its me that allows
that....no one else is to blame.. I have a bike chain finally for my
bike a friend gave me..a very nice
older bike that is light..very well
made..fast.....I love the feel of it
the riding..staying in shape...moving
on the beautiful trails we have here
in our city.....I was heavy for a time
and eating too much sugar and processed
foods....then people helped me to
read packaging and show me how much
fats sugars were in these items.. I just lived by the moment and
reactions...
not tapping into the potential that
they saw in me so thats it today
fifty next year and just
now hooking in to something
feel that this is hard but
can be done then going round
and around
and my anger..all the teachings
are working....I feel it rush
into me..I start up then I catch
it and stop more and more..
Its hard....if I want to stay
angry I will just be living all
alone again forever this time
and learning nothing... when Im not angry and I catch
it walk away come back and pick
up...accept...and Im not talking
about standing up for myself or
protecting in a true situation
but the usual I want my own way
routine of before... I learn when I move on
sometimes learning that all
the things I thought were
important to me then
are not so important now maybe I want something entirely
different
something more.. More growing up to do yet! I would rather have this...
yes I would!!
12:20 p.m. - 2013-11-09
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