orgami's Diaryland Diary

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business per usual....

I was never in control
God was...but he gave freedom of
choice
to find the true motive of hearts
which are mans landscapes
and no one has the map on that
Or the mind
ever

comforting
and disturbing all in one

no mans land...

so I live there..
or lah lah land as I write
often here and the other
sites...

lately Ive pulled back so far
living mostly in the home
running to work
the errands on the bike
pushing it more then I ever
had that way
which is good
for the first time in my
life I have leg muscles
Im tall but I dont put on
muscle mass

worked out for a time
with these mad alpha types
found out that walking..biking
did more for me ultimately

was taking the dog up the trail
when the weather was very good
and when I was obsessed with
the trail

that left which I'm glad...
I want to get back up there
but lately its been me fighting
this depression
about letting go
of control

when I discovered that I
stand pretty close to my
beliefs and values that
are left
after the emotional bombing
as a kid..teen..young adult
and then man...

When freedom comes to me
sometimes its very difficult
to relax and be...
let loose

our house was not that bad
growing up compared to a lot
of others

i dont want to write any of this
i got some movies from the library
that need to go back soon
never watched them

there is a lot of stress
in the past few years
all of us here are extreme
intelligent and out there
in our own fields of what
we like...how we live
etc

probably one of the more
quieter times lately with
things running as well
as they can

Outside the world..the greater
news and the local news I avoid
lately including cbc which I loved
at one time

and its this time of year
business everywhere
now till new year

phases

I would read four books or three
at a time from the library then
that shifted...spend more time on
computer again
and searchs are mundane same same
with the exceptional moments when
i get out there and start looking
up pdf business science and my
crazy ideas that I get obsesssed
about....names..numbers..nothing
major....not brilliant brilliant
just parts of me think outside the
box...

and I try to dress well....out fashion
the smart wealthy people who worked
hard and made it....Its a tough business
life...you can want what you want and
get everything but a relationship
that others seem to get effortlessly
I think its more the work at achieving
rather then wanting or needing..

spend so much time wanting this or that
and never getting it
boom i often get it and then what..
spent so much time in the development
that the practical use of a working
relationship is null

i think turning fifty was the big change
for me too
and the whole Dominant role that I took
on for a time....
Dominance..pain..that kind of study of
late....my parents were crushing as far
as personal issue...but they went through
their mills...the residual energy of that
was just the family stamp we all inherited
like trace markers...

and none of my family talk to each other
because of these affects..
inevitably we talk about it
and its what we do all our lives to try to
avoid it...

Im six foot one and with proper shoes boots
I jack that up when I want too...leaning forward some days clomping along with my prowl walk that Ive been developing forever...then
my head back and eye contact because I was not bold like that...then realizing that its just a brace for a lot of people....that the real brace tells you the order...and that i grew up with laid back folk who kicked ass ultimately..and all through my life the hard core real i chummed with..lived alongside..

the hair and beard now add to the dimension of kick ass....of which I am not..Not like a lot..No continous jail time...no grand adventures or missions like some...we had money fear..money issues...always talking about money so much...and I barely made any through life....the card games.simple fun things but money came out and people were like extreme....i couldnt count and still cant..its just fuzziness in my head for the most part..I get an idea of like ratio..mass..that kind of feel for numbers..

anyway....stuck to where i live which was cheap.....just knew style....clothes makes a person...it makes a difference...its a statement....smell...colognes..free again but I like the expensive testers....signature signals that all humans interact too and with..movements....subtle nuances that built a whole identity or persona

but of course always building
stragedy of everyday life
including my spelling errors
from grade six..

I like people...the mall is great
the bus rides..
vistas..our views of the stars up
here....the hills..the lake..
the platueaus and gradients that
offer views during the ordinary
walks and runs

the characters that make up a city
defined and defended with its forward
and underground logics and meaning

our city you either hate or you love
cleaned up painted up
tidied up as the world slips along
on its somewhat demise looking point
although like parellel lines
never quite gets there...

gas furnace gas heater
good windows good roofs
good system looking after
all here in the complex
people watching out for
each other the best they
can expect

it was sketchy as hell for a time
everyone said there were these rules
but they did what they wanted
and this social rampant bullying was
ongoing....
so either they truly had power and
cash that was tripping them into
carrying on like there were no rules
OR....they truly did have lots of
income and could afford to be like
that...disregard rules
because when they wanted rules
they brought out the books

all I said was..Why Build Utopia and
Treat it like its a ruin...a ghost
town..a war zone...

if they wanted sketchy there are
other sketchy cities then
or....pull out the cash and
build your own town
members only

except social order dictates
that we must run together
like fuedal times
start thinking of the masses
as a collective power
humming away
collecting and gathering
the wealth at the top of course
with the strength of force
or pure numbers in a revolution
push that starts simmering
and rolls to its conclusions
throughout history

maybe just maintenance
is a tough job

as i get into my own life
and realize that I am interesting
there is redeemable qaulities
and eccentric enough looks
the more interesting of
what I like comes forward

its just rare ...like me!!

12:19 p.m. - 2014-11-15

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